I got nuthin’, not even a title

Monday morning, standing at the open car door, Jackson stares at me across the seat and says “I haven’t been in this car in a long time.”

I know baby, but it’s okay. Come on. We’re gonna be late for school.

He gets in slowly and as he sinks into the front seat I can see his entire face shift as if another face has taken over. One that I don’t like because it makes my heart hurt and I want to fix it but I know that I can’t. And he says in the smallest voice “It smells just like Nina.”

Hales on the other hand, jumped in and then you could see her catch her breath and breathe it all in deeply –  the familiarity of it all, the feel and smells, like a huge tight hug.

How easy I forget that my kids still have moments like Daddy and I do. I’m driving Mommy’s car while mine is in the hospital and the thought never crossed my mind how it would affect my kids. And so differently. How is it that a smell can take you back in time to memory? Or a sight – a sound can turn on the movie reel in your mind and everything comes flooding back.

I walk by our dinning room window and see the Jeep in the driveway and expect to see Mommy coming up the walk, but she doesn’t walk through the door. I get in the car and see her lipstick tubes and  can vividly see her applying it. On Sunday mornings while sitting on the front pew I watch people walking up to the doors and I wait to see her too, but she doesn’t come. And sometimes at communion, I look over to tell her to get up that it’s our turn to go, yet she’s not there. When I need advice or just an ear to listen to me, my first instinct is to call her but I can’t. The other day I was talking to Daddy and he said “I wish your Momma was here ’cause she would know exactly what to tell you. She always knew what to do.” Me too Daddy. Me too.

I was going through my texts cleaning them up when I came across this one from Mommy…

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She sent this to me after she had walked into church on morning in July and looked very confused. She sat for a few minutes and caught her breath and then decided to go home. We thought the confusion and unsteadiness was because of her blood sugar levels. Little did we know that it was so much more. As you see in the text she made it home then and I know that she’s home now too.

Tuesday marked the fourth month since Mommy went home with God. It feels like forever ago and yesterday all at the same time. There is so much changing in our lives right now, so much that I want to talk to her about and this has just been one of those hard, hard weeks when you feel like you’re scraping to get by emotionally. My tank is empty. I have nothing left to give today. God, I think I’m gonna need a piggy back ride….

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4 thoughts on “I got nuthin’, not even a title

  1. When I saw you getting into the car yesterday and you said, “It’s Momma’s”, I had to catch my breath too. I just love your honesty and your humor and your “cut through the junk and see the real thing” take on life. Thank you for sharing yourself – and your family – with us. Love, Lori

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are just so awesome. I love your posts! I think my sense of smell is my strongest sense. It can take me back to my childhood in a split second. I love that you still have these strong reminders of your Mama! You and your children were so blessed to have her. Hugs to ye, lass!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love that I do too! And my kids and my daddy! We all had such a wonderfully special relationship with her and I’m eternally grateful for that and our deep, deep love for her keeps all of those memories alive.

      You know, every once in a while I’ll catch a whiff of what Meals on Wheels is cooking as I’m walking outside through the campus and I’ll instantly be transported back to when I was 4 at the Gingerbread House and will have the strongest memories of Mrs. Ruth and all of the wonderful lunches and breakfasts she would cook for us. It’s amazing how God created us isn’t?

      Thank you, Cheryl.

      Like

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